Sly Cooper: Rogue's Gallery
by James Gravley
Summary: Time is a delicate thing, as is the barrier between realities. But what would happen if these barriers collapsed? What would happen if time started breaking apart? Worlds would collide, and it would all start with two thieves, both far from home. Rated T for violence, mild sexual content, and Kuiper swearing like a sailor.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so here's the current setup for updates:**

 **Othertale-Updates every other week (Sorry for no update this week, I've been pretty busy with things. Will resume normal updates next week.)**

 **FFIII Novelization-I really suck at keeping dates, but it's taking me a lot longer than expected to revise some of the other chapters; effectively, I'm rewriting this story. So, it'll just be a little longer, I swear! Probably going to update on Fridays.**

 **Rogue's Gallery-Well, now, welcome to my newest story. Will update irregularly at first while I try to find a way to fit everything in. WARNING: Is probably going to start off pretty slow/confusing. Part 3 is where things start making at least some semblance of sense.**

 **Takes place a few months after the events of the last game. I do not own Sly Cooper or any of the terms affiliated with it.**

 **-1st Heist (Pt. 1)-**

"You're lost again, aren't you?" the gruff voice groaned halfheartedly in the thief's earpiece, getting a weak chuckle in reply.

"I'm not lost…I'm just…misplaced…" Kuiper muttered, crouching lower into the shadows. RetroCytus's HQ creeped him out even in the light of day, what with all of the security guards and the top-of-the-line security. In the dead of night, with infrared alarms and heat sensors lighting up the corridors, Kuiper was even more disquieted. But, a job was a job, and this just so happened to be a very, very well-paying job. Even though Simon had tried talking him out of it, Kuiper needed the cash badly, and something as simple as a data breach couldn't possibly be that difficult, right?

Wrong.

Having come across the exact same guard three times now, Kuiper was forced to admit to himself that he had no idea where he was. He would not, however, admit it to his right hand man. Not that he needed to, of course. If the tracker in his earpiece was accurate, Simon knew even more about where Kuiper was than the adolescent himself did. The young adult typed rapidly into his keyboard back at 'Home Base,' searching for any place for Kuiper to break through the seemingly impermeable fortress.

Meanwhile, Kuiper himself was forced to run in circles, trying to avoid guards, traps, and anything else that seemed intent on killing him. Which, at the moment, seemed to be everything.

"Misplaced is the same thing as lost, you little twerp," Simon grunted, still searching the blueprints he had been given by the client. That's just the way things worked at their 'agency.' Simon did the hacking, Kuiper did the dirty work, and Renée was stuck with the cleanup. Though it seemed like a rather unbalanced system, it had saved the three humans on several occasions. Simon had the wit, Renée had the charm, and Kuiper?

Kuiper had the skills.

But now, however, all of his skills seemed to have left him as he walked past the unconscious guard for the fourth time.

"For a self-proclaimed 'God-Level Hacker,'" the teen teased, "You're not helping me all that much at the moment. I'm only lost because your directions suck. After all, it's rather difficult to follow instructions such as," Kuiper squinted at the notecard in his gloved hand, "'Turn right at the green blinky thing,' or how about 'When you see a laser, you've gone too far.' I hate to tell you, Simon, but there's lasers all over the place."

"I thought the green blinky thing would tell you exactly where you were," Simon chuckled.

"Colorblind, remember?"

"Stop talking, you twerp, do you want to get yourself caught?" Simon grunted. "Here, how's this for you? You're directly twenty floors below the mainframe. Luckily, the main computer's in a room with a window. Why they did that, I'll never know…"

"I'm doubting very highly they were expecting someone to break through the forty-seventh floor window," Kuiper smiled, hand instinctively clutching the small metallic cylinder at his waist. "What they don't expect, though, is going to be their downfall."

"Don't get too confident," Simon said, searching his screen. "Or else, this could be your downfall. I would suggest scaling to the forty-fifth floor, and continuing from there on foot. The security is going to get tougher the higher up you go, so you've got to watch your back before you do anything hasty."

"Don't worry about me," Kuiper said, pulling the cylinder off its hook and tossing it absently between his hands. "After all, this does run in my blood."

"So does the tradition of dying during major heists," Simon said, and Kuiper winced. "Sorry, that was uncalled for. Service will get pretty choppy once you go outside, so you'll be on your own for the scaling. I'll see you on the other side." With that, the voice faded to static. Kuiper allowed himself only a second of hesitation before charging the nearest window and forcefully threw himself against it, feeling the familiar sensation of his heart dropping to his feet at the glass shattered and Kuiper found himself in a freefall. His breath left him as his body hit the cold air, and for a moment, Kuiper felt the rush as he felt weightless. This was by far his favorite part of a heist; the moment where everything was at risk.

But there was a mission to complete, and even a fall from only this high up could cause some serious health issues, so Kuiper reluctantly pressed a faintly glowing green button on the cylinder and gave the inner mechanisms a moment to warm up before pointing it to the nearest section of the spiral that the RetroCytus headquarters was known for. Around the entire skyscraper, a chrome double spiral wound around the building. Many modern artists and architects called it a 'daring, futuristic move.' Kuiper, however, was reminded instead of two snakes encircling their prey. Either way, though, it provided a perfect entry point for a burglar such as him.

The front of the cylinder gave a soft _snap_ as the cover was blown off and a three-pronged hook burst to life, followed close in tow by an industrial-strength wire. Kuiper felt a familiar moment of dread as the hook didn't immediately connect to the metal surface several stories above, before the powerful magnets kicked in and anchored him to one of the spirals. The line tightened and he swung effortlessly onto the metal surface closest to himself, waiting for exactly the right moment. He always told himself the same thing: 'If you let go when you want to let go, they'll be scraping you off the cement. Always wait an extra second."

So he waited until he thought the moment was right, but forced himself to maintain his grasp on his hookshot. Kuiper took a deep breath, then let go, landing seamlessly onto the smooth metal surface. The magnets in his boots kicked in, anchoring the boy to his newfound floor, and he allowed himself one more calming breath before he began his ascent up the building. The slope was enough that he needed to only take a few steps to be up a floor from where he had landed. Judging by the fact that all the lights had been knocked out, it was one Kuiper had already been to. He reminded himself that everything, despite Simon's protests, was going to plan. But, just in case, he ran over that same plan in his head.

* * *

"You want us to what?" Simon asked the visitor sitting opposite himself, a worn coffee table the only thing standing between the hacker and his guest. "I'm afraid I must have misheard you."

"You've heard correctly," the man's voice, smooth despite his worried expression, reassured Simon. "I wish for you to remove a few files from the RetroCytus headquarters in Minneapolis. The headquarters in New York and Denver are, I'm afraid, lacking in the information I require."

"And what is this information?" Simon asked. "Our policy is clear: we will not steal government secrets or any weapon codes for first-time clients."

"I can assure you, it's nothing…terrible," the man gave a small wince before continuing. "It's just that this particular file has some rather delicate personal information that would be dangerous should it be leaked."

"You asked for the wrong job, then," Kuiper said from the rafters, making everyone present jump. "You don't want a recovery, you want a transfer. That will cost you extra, I'm afraid," he said, but the client was more worried about something else:

"Why is there a boy on the ceiling?" he asked, but Simon merely waved off the question.

"He's right, you know. Transfers require a mimic file to throw off the target's scent long enough for the initial file to be destroyed or moved to a safer location. While these mimic files aren't necessarily difficult to create, we do require both knowledge of the initial file, and time to prepare the mimic." Simon's eyes gleamed. "Don't worry, you don't have to tell me everything on the main file. Just enough that I can create something that people will believe is the real deal. This can either be done here and now, or you can schedule a private session with me for extra cost in case you aren't comfortable telling my associate here whatever you want to say."

"I'm afraid I'm at a lost," the client said, shrugging helplessly. "You're the first organization I've gone to that asked for information on what you're recovering."

"That's probably true," Kuiper said, making the client jump once more, "but out methods have proven to be effective. Also, I've seen Simon's search history. He doesn't have any right to judge." Kuiper gave a small shudder, but thankfully chose not to elaborate any further.

The client thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Alright, I'll tell you what you're retrieving." Simon gave a grunt of approval, but was quickly shushed by Kuiper. "Can you by any chance replicate photos?" the client asked, and Simon's smile vanished.

"It's possible, but it's rather difficult. If it's a picture you're after, a direct copy is the method you're going to want. It's a lot cheaper for you, and we can set to work a lot quicker as well."

"No, nobody can know this picture exists, and the longer it's on the computer there, the more likely it is that someone will find it. When they fired me, they didn't even give me a chance to clear my files from my work computer, so my replacement may have already found it!"

"How long ago were you fired?" Kuiper said, concern laced in his voice.

"Two hours ago," the man said miserably, followed by an awkward silence.

"I'm highly doubting," Simon said, "that they've found a replacement for you in two hours. However, this gives us, at most, a week to reclaim this file."

"Don't even worry about replacing it with one of your 'mimics,' or, on second thought, even trying to recover it for me," the client said. "I just need this off of the computer and out of my life!"

"Then that makes our job a lot easier," Simon grinned wickedly. "If it's just file removal, that's no problem."

"There may be one…small problem, though," the client admitted. "The way RetroCytus's mainframe works, anything saved onto one computer is accessible through any computer on the network."

"So…I have to…" Kuiper turned pale.

"You need to completely remove this picture from the mainframe," the client said, giving an apologetic shrug.

Nobody spoke for a long time as everyone processed this. Kuiper, though, broke the silence with his usual brand of calm, cool reasoning:

"Simon, I want at least sixty percent."

* * *

Kuiper stood directly outside the forty-fifth floor window, scarf pulled up over the bottom half of his face to mask his now-visible breaths. Though he would never complain during a job, there was simply no denying that it was cold, and Kuiper himself was getting tired. Everything was still going smooth, though. He reassured himself as he pulled a second grappling hook from his belt and aimed it at the fifty-ninth floor window, hoping that would be high enough to divert attention. This grappling hook, after all, was a lot different than the first…

A small chuckle escaped his lips as he pulled the trigger and the hook shot out, giving only a soft hum as it shot through the air. There was a loud _click_ as it connected to the window, and Kuiper seamlessly swung through the window into the forty-fifth floor. Simon hadn't been wrong when he said it would be much more heavily guard, if the three guards that were running his was were any indicators. However, the thief didn't so much as bat an eyelid as he pressed a second button on the cylinder and rapidly pulled on a pair of noise cancelling headphones, praising the designers of the building for their borderline excessive use of glass.

The hook's speakers sprang to life, releasing a high pitched whine that was quickly transmitted through the glass windows throughout the entire building. Within mere seconds, every guard in the complex was screaming in agony in an attempt to cover their ears from the awful noise. Even though it lasted only a minute, it was more than enough to successfully distract the guards while Kuiper simply had to walk by their spasming bodies.

"Say what you will about its effectiveness," Simon's voice returned, much to Kuiper's annoyance. He always preferred to work in silence. "I still say that sound grenade is one of my more cruel inventions."

"Hey, it doesn't kill anyone, does it?" Kuiper asked, not even bothering to be quiet. After a noise like that, the guards would be lucky to hear anything for the next several days. "And the hearing loss isn't even permanent. What're you complaining about?"

Simon made a noise that was somewhere between amusement and concern, but didn't press the problem further, so Kuiper just shrugged and continued his ascent.

* * *

Kuiper gazed down at the blueprints from the rafters while Simon and the client, who had introduced himself as Andrew, talked in hushed voices. Already, the thief could see several weak points, but all of them seemed to have extra security in all of the surrounding areas. Even if they managed to turn off primary power, trying to get in would present an entirely new set of problems. The large metal doors in front could only be opened with their own key card, according to the client, and ran on their own personal generators. Even if both primary and reserve power to the building was cut, they still wouldn't budge.

"Do you still have your key card?" Kuiper asked, making the poor client jump again.

"Seriously, why are you on the ceiling?" he asked, but a glare from Kuiper made him answer. "No, they confiscated it when I was removed from the building. If it were that easy, I would have done it myself."

"Could you scale the spirals?" Simon asked, deeply studying the blueprints for any possible point of entry. "It appears their slant isn't so steep as to present you any major problems."

"The base is electrified," Andrew said. "Anything from the fifth floor up shouldn't present any major voltage, and from floors one to two it won't be enough to kill, but three through five have enough juice in them to kill a large elephant."

"Are you calling me fat?" Kuiper asked, looking mildly offended, but Simon quickly defused the situation.

"Let me guess, they're on their own grid as well?" Andrew nodded glumly. "If that's the case, we may have a bit more trouble than we initially thought."

"There is one way," Andrew said, perking Kuiper up. "There's going to be a tour through the main lobby for a high school class this Thursday. They'll only go into the main lobby, and possibly up to the second floor, but that could provide a point of entry."

"Makes sense, but Kuiper doesn't go to school, Simon said. "And I'm highly doubting they'll allow a wanted criminal into their class only for a criminal plot."

"Who said anything about asking nicely?" Kuiper said, pulling a dagger from the folds of his jacket. "By the time I'm done with them, they'll be begging me to stay in their class."

"What're you going to do?" Andrew asked as Simon gave a small snicker.

* * *

"I've entered the forty-seventh floor," Kuiper spoke into the receiver as he peered cautiously around the corner. Even after the sound grenade, it was possible that there were still a few guards left standing. Or, even worse, a neighboring building may have heard the noise and had alerted the authorities. If so, that gave Kuiper at most an hour to finish the job and exit the building. And that's if everything went perfectly.

Which it never did.

"Kuiper, we've got a problem," Simon said. "Someone's alerted the authorities, and they're already on their way."

"Already?" Kuiper asked, shocked. "What, is this the only thing going on right now? Aren't there doughnuts to eat, or something?"

"Well, RetroCytus is a pretty big company. It makes sense that they would take precedence in a situation like this. But, you're already this close, I'm leaving it up to you if you want to escape or take the risk."

"Well, that's a really hard question," Kuiper said. "Have all this danger have been for nothing, or run the risk of getting even further onto the po-po's radars. I'm going to take 'run the risk' for five hundred."

"You've got it," Simon said with an audible eye roll. "I'll be here to back you up no matter what. The main computer is the fourth door on your right. The door is locked, but it's pretty low-grade. Strange…" Simon trailed off.

"Don't leave me in suspense, what's up?" Kuiper said, strutting confidently down the hall.

"It's the most important room in the building. You'd think they would keep it well-guarded, right?"

"Well, check the security camera. Is there anything going on?" Kuiper asked, reaching his destination.

"No, there's just this stupid fly that's been buzzing around for the last hour, and-KUIPER GET OUT OF THERE."

Before the thief could respond, however, the wall in front of him exploded.


	2. Chapter 2

**Kuiper is really freaking fun to write for. You'll see why in this chapter.**

 **-1st Heist (Pt. 2)-**

"Kuiper, can you hear me?" the earpiece buzzed urgently before it was silence by a hard leather boot. The wearer of the boot was built like a bear, though that could probably attributed to the fact that he was one. A large, bipedal, brown bear wearing a three piece suit was currently staring at Kuiper down the barrel of a shotgun. Kuiper, of course, was as professional as always:

"Y-you're a bear," he stumbled, cursing his momentary indecision as a narrowly dodged blast tore apart the wall where he was. A sharp pain tore through his leg as a stray piece of shrapnel dug into his skin, but it seemed rather minor compared to what could have happened. "A bear just tried to kill me!"

"And you're a lousy human," the beast growled, loading in another round. "More accurately, you're a lousy human that's about to be my dinner!"

"And you can talk, because why the hell not," Kuiper said, launching a dagger into each hand from their hiding place in his jacket's sleeves. He was by no means a fighter, but Kuiper was more than able to protect himself in most situations. That did not, however, include situations where he was ambushed by a homicidal talking bear with a shotgun.

Another shot narrowly missed Kuiper, followed by another shot that grazed his shoulder. Pain erupted from the wound, but Kuiper had long since learned how to block out pain. It did, after all, come with the job. The bear growled as he loaded yet another round in an attempt to kill his pesky prey.

"Hold still so I can kill you," he roared, and, despite the situation, Kuiper couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"I would really rather not," he cried as another blast roared through the building, this one missing by a much wider margin as Kuiper started figuring out his opponent's attack pattern. The adolescent seamlessly flicked on his spare earpiece and felt an odd wave of relief when Simon's voice returned:

"-ick up, dammit!"

"I'm here, Simon," Kuiper reassured his partner as the bear took aim again. "Sorry I've been a little quiet. What was it you wanted to say before the wall exploded?"

"Something's hiding in the mainframe's room! They stuck the security cam on a loop to throw us off!"

"So then…" Kuiper said as he absently dodged another barrage.

"They knew we were coming! That weasel Andrew must have tipped them off," Simon growled.

"Well, it's pretty obvious he was working with the cops," Kuiper said. "I mean, he couldn't have made the wire any more noticeable if he tried."

"Wait, you KNEW he was in cahoots?" Simon asked, and Kuiper nodded before remembering the hacker couldn't see him.

"Yeah, I assumed you did, too. After all, why else would to take up such a stupid and poorly thought-out job?" he asked as the beast let out a tremendous roar that would have made an average person faint on the stop. Kuiper, however, wasn't an average person.

"You could have said something," Simon groaned at his sibling's apparent stupidity. But, if there was one thing he had learned in their time together, it was that you should never underestimate Kuiper. "I'll leave this battle to you. When you're done, get out of there!"

"If it's all the same," Kuiper smirked as he leapt to the ceiling, "I'd like to keep going. I'm currently fighting an anthropomorphic bear with a shotgun, and that's really peaked my curiosity." Simon didn't respond, probably because he didn't know how to. "Don't worry about me, Simon. I'll be fine. Besides, this guy is a complete pushover anyways."

"If you're done having your touching moment," the bear growled, "can I get back to killing you?"

Kuiper answered by throwing a knife directly into the bear's throat. There was a brief gurgling noise before the mammal fell to the ground and was silent. What Kuiper didn't expect, however, was for the beast to dissolve in a cloud of mist.

"Er…Simon? Di-did you just see that?" Kuiper asked, praying that he wasn't actually going crazy.

"No, the cameras are on loop, remember? And aren't you busy fighting every furry's dream?" Simon asked.

"Nah, I killed it. That's just it, though. It disintegrated after it died. Whatever is in that room, I need to see it with my own two eyes. Keep track of how long before the cops get me. If things get too bad, sever the connection." Simon started to argue, but Kuiper quickly silenced him. "If I'm caught, I don't want it tracing back to you. Promise you'll take care of Renée, in case anything goes wrong?" Simon didn't respond, which Kuiper took to mean yes. "I'm going to turn off my earpiece, in case there's some bad tech in there. I'll see you later, bro." Before Simon could respond, Kuiper had already turned off the receiver and marched into the remains of the mainframe's room.

* * *

Sly was dying. It was slow, but it was a sure thing at this point that here, in a past where nobody knew him, he was going to die. He had been wandering through the desert temple for what seemed like days, but it could have only been a few hours. After all the time travel he had gone through, any concept of days and hours just seemed to melt together. Of course, it wouldn't matter how long it had been soon. With no food or water, his time was quickly running out.

Even now, in this tunnel, he tried his best to keep his spirits high. After all, he had survived much worse odds, hadn't he? But that had always been against a physical enemy. Here and now, he was facing off against both the elements and his own body, both of which seemed determined to end his life as quickly as possible.

And that seemed to be coming much quicker than Sly had first thought. He gave a small chuckle before collapsing against the side of the tunnel he had been wandering through. What he wouldn't give now for some food or water, or even just another person to soothe this all-consuming loneliness...

* * *

Kuiper stared with mild amusement at the device on the desk. There was no way something this dinky looking brought a beast that massive to this world, right? He was tempted to tell Simon of his find, before he remembered that he had cut his older brother off. A sudden wave of loneliness took that boy by surprise, but he quickly shook it off.

The mission may be over, but an all new one was starting here and now.

Kuiper Jones, a sixteen-year-old thief who was known worldwide by his signature grey scarf and headphones, crossed the room to get a closer look at the red crystal humming softly a few inches off the wooden surface.

Kuiper Jones, who had been taught from a young age that stealing was the only way to get by in such a cruel life, raised a hesitant finger, wondering if what he was doing was wise.

Kuiper Jones, who had trouble talking to anyone when his brother wasn't around, shook off his hesitation and grasped the crystal in a gloved hand.

There was a brilliant red flash that filled up the sky, and Kuiper Jones, who was all of these things and more, vanished without a trace.

* * *

Sly's eyes cracked open as a ghostly red light filled the hall. He felt his neck creak as it turned to the end of the hall where the light was originating, but it was too little, too late. It would take a miracle if he wanted to survive now…

* * *

 _I'm dead. That's the only explanation. I grabbed onto some explosive device, and it went off. Maybe that's why it's so hot…_

Kuiper's entire body ached, which wasn't helped by the fact that he had landed on his keys. Still, though, he refused to open his eyes for fear of what he would see. That is, until a gust of wind blew a rather large wad of sand into his face. He warily peeked his eyes open, and was a little annoyed to find himself in the middle of a desert.

 _I mean, I know I did some bad things, but if this is Hell, I'm going to be very put off._

He gave a weak cough as his body adjusted to the drier environment. A cough that was picked up by his mouthpiece. The buzzing in his ears alerted Kuiper to an incoming call, which he groggily picked up.

"Y-yeah?" he asked after an eternity of silence. "What's up?"

"YOU LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE TWERP!" Simon voice exploded out of the earpiece, much to Kuiper's chagrin.

"H-hey, Simon. How's it going?"

"HOW'S IT GOING? I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT'S GOING. MY BROTHER GOES MISSING FOR ALMOST FIVE MONTHS-"

"Say what?"

"-AND YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST BE OKAY? RENEE HAS BEEN WORRIED SICK!"

"Simon, slow down," Kuiper said wearily, struggling to his feet. "What do you mean I've been gone for almost five months? It couldn't have been longer than a few hours…"

"Kuiper, after you went kamikaze and blew up the freakin' building, your tracker vanished. It wasn't destroyed, it just…vanished."

"Blew up?" Kuiper asked, growing a little dizzy. "Simon, just tell me what happened. I remember touching some weird crystal, and now I'm here!" _Wherever 'here' is…_

"You really don't remember? After you hung up on me, you went into the 'mainframe room,' and the next thing I know, there's an explosion that takes out a hole three stories high! Mercifully, no guards were caught in the blast, so you aren't being tracked for murder. That's the good news."

"And the bad news?" Kuiper asked, bracing himself for the worst.

"You're currently public enemy number one."

"That is bad news," Kuiper said as he finally gathered the strength to start moving. He didn't know where he was going, but he didn't care. "How're you doing?"

"Renée and I are doing okay, for now. Since you vanished, they can't trace back to us. They've gotten pretty damn close, though. It's not us who should be worried."

"That's probably true. Anyways, any ideas where I am?"

Simon began typing rapidly, only to stop short when something caught his attention. "Uh…Kuiper? By these readings, you don't exist anywhere. Your tracker is…gone…"

"Malfunction?" Kuiper suggested, feeling a small prickling in his throat. There was simply no avoiding the obvious fact: he needed food, water, and shelter, and he needed it fast.

"Not possible," Simon grunted as he once again started typing rapidly. "The fact that I'm talking to you is proof enough that it's working, and that you're alive and well. I thought it was just a malfunction at first, but that's…just not possible anymore."

"Well, I'm glad you acknowledge my existence, at the very least. Any other ideas, Wonderchild?"

"None at the moment. Why don't you look around for a bit while I do some research? There's…something I need to test…"

Kuiper knew better than to pry when his brother faded off dramatically, so he did as he was told and continued his march through the desert.

* * *

Nearly an hour later, Kuiper was in trouble. He was quickly tiring [ _dying_ ], and was almost ready to just collapse then and there. The only thing that kept him going was the fact that [ _you're going to die here, in a place where nobody remembers you_ ]was the reminder that Simon was just on the other side of the line looking for a solution [ _he's already given up; you should do the same._ ]

The desert showed no signs of letting up, either. Every few seconds, another massive gust of wind would whip sand up into his face, which was made only slightly more bearable by the scarf now wrapped around his head. This, in turn, led to his peripheral vision being less than desirable. Not that he was missing anything important. No matter where he looked, it was all the same:

Sand.

Sand.

Sand.

Sand.

Cactus.

Sand.

Sand.

Ancient pyramid and sphynx.

Sand.

Sa-hold up.

Kuiper whirled around to look at the strange buildings in front of him. Obviously man-made, he spent only a second thinking about the likely risks that came with entering an ancient tomb before he broke out in a full-on sprint to the opening on the side of the pyramid that would have put an Olympic runner to shame.

He hungrily gulped at the dry air as he crossed the threshold of the temple, his body screaming at his stupidity. He collapsed against the side of the tunnel he was in, but he wasn't expecting the wall to grunt in annoyance.

He literally leapt up from his position and drew his knives to face off against-

-an unconscious anthropomorphic raccoon in a blue jacket.

Kuiper had already decided that today was just not a good day.

* * *

Simon keyed rapidly into his computer, his eyes hungrily searching the screen. There had to be some explanation as to where Kuiper was. After all, it's not like he just disappeared, right?

He finished his search, and line after line of text appeared, most of it pertaining to the incident months ago, and conspiracy and fringe theorists saying how Kuiper had been in agreement with aliens who had taken him with them as they left the atmosphere.

Simon had to hand it to some of the nutjobs: some of their theories were rather well thought-out. But at the moment, he needed solid, factual evidence. Something there seemed to be a lack of in situations like this. So Simon scrolled through what seemed like an endless wall of alien theories until there, at the very bottom of the page, something stuck out.

A direct link to the RetroCytus database.

"It can't be that easy…" Simon muttered to nobody in particular, before clicking the link. Instantly, a blood-red screen overtook his computer, followed quickly by a loud whirring noise as the machine crashed, leaving Simon to stare at his own shocked expression. A tall, bespectacled man whose scar still ached occasionally. A man who, until this point, had never been outwitted by technology. An angular face grew worried.

"Renée?" Simon's voice was surprisingly calm for the situation as he spoke into the phone designated only to call his secretary. "We've got an issue."

* * *

 _I must be insane,_ Kuiper thought to himself as he literally dragged the raccoon behind him. _Here I am, almost dead myself, and I decide that I need another mouth to feed! If only Simon could see me now. Oh, how he'd laugh at me, telling me 'I always said you were too kindhearted!' Newsflash, dingus, it's polite to save others if they haven't tried to kill you! What was I supposed to do, let the poor bastard die? Nobody deserves to die! I mean, the bear was different, he attacked me. But this guy's done nothing! I think…_

Simon was shaken from his thoughts when the raccoon let out a massive grunt of annoyance.

"Oh, good, he's waking up," Kuiper's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Now we get to do the whole awkward introductions thing! 'Hi, I'm so-and-so! What's your name?' And then I'll start stumbling over my words, and be all like 'Eh, I'm uh…uh…I mean I'm….' And then that'll go on for a few minutes until he completely weirded out, then he'll walk away without even thanking me for what I've done, even though I completely saved his life! And what then? He'll just wander off and be all 'do-dee-do, I don't have a care in the world! I don't care about, much less remember, that kid who saved me!' Then I'll end up dying here in the desert, where nobody even knows me, and then what's supposed to happen? This bastard, the only person here who knows me, won't even tell anyone about the brave hero who kept him from dying, and nobody will ever know about the magnificent hero that is Kuiper! Even Simon will forget about me soon enough, even if he denies it! Renée, knowing her attention span, has already forgotten I even exist, so Simon will realize I've died, and he'll go up to Renée and say, 'Kuiper's dead!' Then she'll say, 'Who's Kuiper?' And he'll be all, 'That's a good point. Even though I've known him for over half of my life, I have suddenly forgotten I even had a brother!' And then they'll have we only have each other sex, and they'll have a kid, and Simon will have a strange urge to call him Kuiper! Renée will agree because she's just stupid and won't care what her own flesh and blood is called, and they'll name this kid Kuiper, but they'll realize too late that they actually had a daughter, but they won't change the name because it's too late now! Suddenly, all the memories will come flooding back to Simon, but only on his daughters sixteenth birthday! Then, he'll look at her and suddenly forget everything that had happen directly after I disappeared, and he'll wonder out loud, 'When did Kuiper get a sex change,' because, knowing my luck, she's going to look exactly like a female me! Everyone else will also conveniently forget what happened, so then the entire world is going to wonder what motivated me to pull a Kailyn Jenner! All because this inconsiderate asshole decided he needed to wake up! No! Fuck this ho! I'm not dealing this this right now! I'm not playing these games!"

For all of you who wisely decided you wanted to skip that wall of text, you really didn't miss anything important.

Another groan from his new associate made Kuiper roll his eyes. "I'm really not in the mood to get a sex change," he sighed. A swift kick to the head shut the raccoon up, and Kuiper continued on his way through the temple. He didn't know where he was going, but he did know that it was less humid in here than it was outside, and that was good enough for him. He snuck a glance back at his associate/enemy, trying to prove to himself that what he was seeing was real. No matter how many times he did it, though, it always remained the same: a raccoon.

And every time, he started trusting his sanity less and less. Because it was simply impossible for him to have appeared in a desert with a raccoon man. Much less a really cute raccoon man who wasn't wearing pants. Not that he would ever admit that he was cute to anyone but himself. But the thought that this man probably had his own life to live drove Kuiper to continue keeping him around. It's like the saying goes: two heads are better than one. Even if Kuiper was paranoid that this second head would result in many people thinking he had spontaneously decided to become a woman.

* * *

Bentley looked with mild curiosity at his computer screen. It had been months since the situation with Le Paradox, but he still held out hope that Sly was there, somewhere. And this small blip on a map was his best indicator so far.

It took only moments to dial the familiar number.

"Hey, Murray, we may have a lead. How do you feel about Egypt?"


	3. Chapter 3

**I should probably remember to do this: I do not own Sly Cooper or any of the Sly Cooper related terms.**

 **-1st Heist (Pt. 3)-**

Kuiper was having a very bad day. It started when he blew up, but continued on when he learned he had been missing for months, discovered an ancient temple after hours of wandering the desert, lost communication with his brother as said brother searched for any leads, met a knocked-out stranger, re-knocked out said stranger because of a misunderstanding about a sex change, and was topped off by having to run from a boulder rolling at top speed after him.

Top speed, as it turned out, was faster than Kuiper could run and carry a pantsless anthropomorphic raccoon. Luckily, though, Kuiper was known for managing to keep his head in every situation:

"GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY YOU STUPID RACCOON WE'RE GOING TO DIE TOGETHER AND EVERYONE'S GOING TO THINK I'M A WOMAN!"

Or not.

Kuiper hung yet another right in the labyrinth of twists and turns, jumped over yet another pit trap, ducked to the side as a section of the ceiling collapsed, and turned yet another curve as the boulder chased mercilessly behind him. Dust stung at his eyes, but still he kept them open. Even if he did hate this guy already, even if he knew it was hopeless, even if he knew he would be remembered fondly…he refused to die in a place like here.

And there was no way in hell he would allow someone else to get hurt again.

He stumbled towards a fork in the path, not allowing for even a second of wondering, _what if this goes wrong?_ He flung the raccoon down the right fork, fleeing himself down the left, shocked to find dust wasn't the only thing stinging in his eyes. Because if he was wrong, which was proving to be more of a common occurrence as of late, he had just killed a man so he could escape. He waited a second as the boulder approached the bend, giving a brief sigh of relief as it began tumbling after himself instead of his new ally.

"Strange," he muttered as he started, once more, into his sprint. "I never thought I'd be relieved to be running for my life…"

* * *

Inspector Carmelita Fox was ready to kill. Which, all things considered, wasn't a rare occurrence, but was still terrifying to her targets.

"You have exactly three second to explain yourselves," she hissed to Murray and Bentley, the latter of which had a sheepish smile on his face.

"Well, you see Carmelita, we think we may have found Sly," he said in his usual nasally fashion. Instantly, the inspector's face softened.

"But…that's not possible…" she said returning her pistol to its holster. "I thought that…"

"He was gone?" Murray offered, getting a scowl in return.

"In any event, how does that explain why you broke into this museum?" she asked, gesturing to the massive hole in the wall where Murray had, quite literally, busted down the door. Bentley gave a small wince, but set off into his explanation.

Sly wasn't dead, he confirmed. More accurately, Le Paradox's time machine had gone haywire in their final fight, and Sly had been sent sprawling through time while Le Paradox had escaped. This, in turn, meant that Sly had to be some time in the past, as Le Paradox's machine had not been calibrated to travel to the future. While this did limit his possible landing points, it still left a lot open to questioning. That's why Bentley had set up machines around the world that recorded any anomalies in the time-space. Unfortunately, it seemed to have been set up too late to pick anything up. However, earlier that day, a mark had appeared faintly in Egypt. Judging by the strength of the disturbance, it must have been some time when the pharaohs were in power, particularly one: Sly's ancestor, Slytunkhamen the third.

Carmelita did her best to keep up with Bentley's scientific speech, but eventually just gave up and just nodded noncommittally. She got the just of it, though: Sly was alive, and he was in ancient Egypt. And that meant he could be rescued.

"So, let me guess, you were trying to steal an ancient Egyptian artifact so you could go rescue him?" Carmelita asked after Bentley had finished. "If that's the case…" Before Murray and Bentley could ask why she trailed off, she marched over to one of the Egyptian exhibits, smashed open the glass, and reached nonchalantly into the diorama, grabbing onto a genuine sickle from the era.

"Use this," she said as Murray and Bentley tried pulling their jaws up off the floor. "It's been dated to be around Slytunkhamen's era, so it should get us exactly where we need to go."

"C-Carmelita…you just-!" Murray started, but was cut off by the vixen.

"There's no time to talk, nor to practice common decency. We need to get going, and _now!_ "

Either out of fear or respect, Murray and Bentley decided that Carmelita was the new leader.

* * *

Kuiper wheezed unsteadily as he groped along the wall, blood spilling from a cut on his forehead. He had escaped the boulder, mercifully, but had only run into another trap that had left him must worse for wear. His right shoulder ached where the shaft of an arrow sill protruded, and his left arm hung limply at his side, refusing to respond to his commands.

"At least…" Kuiper wheezed to nobody in particular. "At least…that guy…..made….."

Kuiper collapsed to the floor, blood already starting to pool. Just before the world went black, he saw the silhouette of a pair of arms reaching out to him. He only had time to wonder if it was an angel or a demon before all thoughts of arms left his mind.

Slytunkhamen the third gazed down at the boy lying limp in his arms. It only took a single glance at the wounds to realize the boy's time was running out rapidly. One eye cracked open uncertainly, only to creak shut a second later. Three arrow shafts stuck out of the boy; one in his shoulder, on around his abdomen, and one on the left side of his waist, only narrowly missing his crotch. Slytunkhamen winced at the mere thought of how badly it would have hurt if the boy was standing only a few inches to the right…

More wounds littered his body, though. A gash above his eye oozed blood, along with another, much deeper, gash on his chin. His arm that hadn't been hit by the arrow had been torn to an almost unrecognizable hunk of meat and blood. Both legs were overall pretty okay, but there were still quite a few minor cuts that could get really nasty if infected. Which, if the absolutely shredded clothes were any indicator, was a very real threat. Overall, the kid was rather worse for wear. And that wasn't even beginning to look at the seemingly countless cuts and bruises on his torso.

The raccoon pharaoh wasn't in any major rush. He had already stolen what he had come here for, and this kid was obviously not a guard, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten so beat up. Although, he had never seen any type of animal that looked even remotely like what he was seeing now. Either way, though, Slytunkhamen figured he might as well do something to pass the time.

He set to work instantly, pulling apart his own kufiyah to form a makeshift bandage that he wrapped around the boy's shoulder after pulling the arrow out. His jacket came off next, easily long enough to wrap around Kuiper's body and arms to keep the sand and grime out, though the legs proved to be much easier than expected. The raccoon was rather familiar with this temple, having scoped it out for weeks, and knew there was a fountain only a few meters from where they were standing.

Slytunkhamen wrapped Kuiper's scarf, the only article of clothing not destroyed, around his patient's face to form a mask against the dangerous air, and effortlessly picked Kuiper up and charged off in the direction of the fountain.

* * *

"Ancient Egypt," Simon pointed to the globe as Renée struggled to keep up, "is where we have to start our search. I have reason to believe that's where Kuiper is."

"May I ask how you came to such a conclusion?" Renée asked, hands forming a tent in front of her mouth. "I understand that there's some supernatural stuff going on, but time travel? Don't you think that's a little…cliché? Like an author's way of getting their shitty self-insert to meet a main character, even though they don't even exist in the same time period?" ( **Author's Note: No comment.** )

"It could be worse. He may have been thrown into some alternate universe where he'll instantly be liked by everyone like the Mary Sue he is. ( **Author's Note: Again, no comment.** ) And anyways, cliché or not," Simon said, eyes taking in every feature of the globe, "it's the only possible explanation now. Don't get me wrong, I didn't believe it at first, but it's not too unbelievable when you think about it. RetroCytus is known for their high tech inventions, so it's only fair to guess they may be ahead of their opponents, even on something as unbelievable as time travel."

Renée shook her head, but didn't press the issue any further. "So what do we do?"

"That's the problem," Simon said, scratching the back of his head. "Unless we find the exact same thing Kuiper found, there's no way for us to follow him. We can't even make our own time machine." Simon shook his head in annoyance. "Damn it. We're dead in the water."

"Not necessarily," Renée said. "You just said that unless we found the same tool Kuiper found, we can't follow him."

"Yeah, so?" Simon asked, looking exhausted.

"It's simple," Renée shrugged. "We break into RetroCytus again, and we find whatever Kuiper found."

Simon didn't give anything away for a long time. When he spoke, his words were carefully measured. "Renée, sweetie? That may be the most stupid and dangerous idea I've heard in my entire life."

"Do you have anything better?" Renée asked.

Simon held up a finger to argue, only to realize she was right. He didn't have any better ideas. He heaved a massive sigh and turned towards his monitor. "Get out weapons guy on the line. This time, we can't afford to be slow."

* * *

An elderly man gazed down at the chess board on a simple wooden table, deep in thought. Suddenly, he perked up as if he had realized something, only to slump over only a second later. All around him, trees were already changing color in preparation for the incoming winter. The man grunted to his associate who sat opposite himself, wearing a clean business suit and a bored expression.

"Really, grandfather," the man sighed, checking his watch. "It's been your turn for ages now. If we were playing a timed match, you would have lost long ago."

"Ah, but we aren't playing a timed match, are we?" the old man wriggled a sly finger, his expression playful. "If you aren't rushed, what's the point of doing so?"

"But I am rushed," the man said impatiently. "I have a meeting in less than an hour. And it's already obvious who's going to win."

"Is it a meeting about…?" the old man trailed off, his smile vanishing for the first time in hours. The grandson didn't respond, he merely needed to nod. "Oh, there's no need to sulk," the elder's smile broke out once more, finally making his decision with a knight that jumped over his grandson's wall of pawns. "You're getting better each time. Check, by the way."

The man smirked, knowing this tactic. "Checkmate, I believe," he said, crossing his arms. "If I take your knight with my bishop, I'll leave my king open the next turn to your queen. I can't move my king because of your rooks. If I try to take out your knight with my queen, your bishop is ready at a moment's notice. To make it simple, I've already lost."

"Oh, you're no fun," the old man said, smiling. "Not even allowing this old man the pleasure of beating his own grandson!"

"It's not exactly a rare occurrence. Now, if you'll excuse me," the smartly dressed man rose to his feet, wiping off his jacket as he stood. "I really must be going." He walked away without another word, his grandfather sighing heavily behind him. Knowing it was useless to press the man any further, the old man started packing up his set carefully into its box. As he finally set the cover on top, a fleck of snow fell on the back of his hand, making the old man smile.

"It's a little early for you, don't you think?" He gazed into the grey sky, letting out another sigh. "It's all happening so fast, don't you agree? This entire plan of theirs is just so bonkers." As he flung his bag over his shoulder, a careful listener would have heard him mutter, "Trying to connect worlds…how silly." Luckily for the old man, however, there was nobody around to hear his ramblings.

* * *

 **AAAND, WE'RE BACK! Updates are going to be every other week, although the exact day will vary. Just a few things to get out of the way: to the few of you actually reading this, thank you. I know this isn't exactly my most well-known work, but the fact that it's getting attention at all is rather hopeful. If you're at all interested in my stories, feel free to read them at your own discretion. If my writing style doesn't tickle your fancy, there's another author on this site, BlitzKraig, who's insanely awesome. Lastly, if you notice anything you really liked or disliked, please feel free to be as brutal as you want in your reviews.**


	4. Chapter 4

**-1st Heist (Pt. 4)-**

Sly was dead, and he knew it. There was no other explanation for how he had woken up refreshed in a place he didn't recognize next to a…thing that was completely unrecognizable. A small trickling noise alerted him to the presence of a fountain mere feet away from his, and the lack of dryness on his lips proved that somebody had been kind enough to hydrate and revive him. A little more searching revealed the identity of his savior: another raccoon wearing gold studded leather, wielding what appeared to be a mix between a scimitar and a cane.

You know, normal stuff.

"Let me guess," Sly said, giving a small groan as he sat up. "Slytunkhamen the Third. Legendary thief, along with a powerful pharaoh. Made a name for himself by stealing from more corrupt pharaohs and giving to his people. Son of Slytunkhamen the Second."

Slytunkhamen bowed low. "Correct. Now, if I may ask, who are you? And who is this boy at your side?"

Sly gave a weak smile. "Well, that's a bit more complicated…"

* * *

Simon glared at the map, music pounding through the room, courtesy of Renée. It had only been a few hours since he had heard from Kuiper, but those had been the most stress inducing hours of his life, save for right after the heist had gone wrong. The music itself didn't do him any help, either. After he found himself humming along in agreement that no, those hips don't lie, he gave a large groan and leaned back in his chair. Renée shot her boss and boyfriend a pitiful glance before returning to her 'freestyle dancing' that Kuiper described as an octopus having a seizure.

"It's hopeless," Simon said, coving his eyes with another piece of paper as Katy Perry started giving him a motivational speech, saying that he was, in fact, a firework. "There's no way I can figure out a way in this quickly without either one of us being captured. Kuiper was always the one with the skill. Finesse, not so much, but damn it if he wasn't the most athletic out of us by a long shot."

"Well, maybe you just are looking at it the wrong way," Renée offered as she scrolled through her music. As Lady Gaga started serenading the room, she turned to the map in question. "You're so used to having strength on our side, but maybe you're just overthinking things. After all, it's not like it's impossible."

"You don't know that," Simon pulled himself from the chair, stretching dramatically. "For all we know, this really just is an unsolvable puzzle." He moved groggily to the window. He hadn't slept well since the heist, but it was only now starting to catch up to him. "We're dealing with something unheard of. Time travel? By all rules of physics, it shouldn't be possible. And yet, here we are."

"Simon…" Renée shot an anxious look. "Don't give up. We've only known he was alive for a few hours. Have you checked on him recently?"

"No." Simon shook his head. "To be honest, I've kind of been avoiding it. I know he'll be okay with it, but I don't know how I'm supposed to tell my brother that for the foreseeable future, he's stuck where he is."

"Kuiper won't care," Renée said as she marched over to Simon. "He's always wanted to go on an adventure. It's just who he is." She held out a pack of cigarettes. "Just like you're just you."

"I though you hated when I smoked in the hideout," Simon said, grabbing the pack. Ever since he had turned eighteen, Simon had been reminded on several occasions that not only was it bad for him, the smoke could also harm Kuiper. Realizing the threat to his brother had been all it took for him to kick the habit.

"I hated when you smoked in front of Kuiper," Renée said, pulling a lighter out of her pants pocket and grabbing one of the cigarettes offered to her. "I couldn't care less when he's gone." Seeing the look of pain that crossed Simon's face, she instantly apologized. "Sorry. Poor choice of words."

Simon gave a weak chuckle as he lit his own cig and placed it between his lips. "All signs point to this being pointless. Even if we manage to break in, we don't even know if that machine's still where he left it. For all we know, he took it with him without even realizing it. Or, even worse, it may have been destroyed in that blast. There are a million things that could go wrong, and if any of them do, we're screwed."

"Then we'll just have to hope nothing goes wrong," Renée smiled, pulling the cigarette from her mouth. "We've had worse odds and come out on top." She didn't mention that they had Kuiper then.

"Maybe so," Simon said, returning to the blueprints of the RetroCytus headquarters. "Don't worry about that, though. That's for me to freak out over. You need to find a way to cover up for our disappearances."

"Already done," Renée said, flashing a devious grin. "In fact, I'm pretty sure we can kill two birds with one stone."

Mere hours later, a man slumped in his chair, breathing a sigh of relief that the meeting was finally over. It had all been old information, save for something new every once in a while. Overall, a waste of his time. He let a hiss out through his teeth as he stood up, already wanting to sit back down. Already the others had left, save for a stray board member here and there.

"E-excuse me?" a weak voice said from behind the man who turned slowly to greet a young woman in a full suit. "A-are you Mr. Walsh?" the woman asked, her voice holding a faint French accent.

"Call me Cyrus," the man held out his hand in greeting, but the woman merely stared at it as though it were an alien artifact. Seeing her discomfort, Cyrus shrugged and returned his hand to its normal spot in his pocket. "Is there something I could help you with?"

"Y-yes sir," the woman squeaked, rummaging around in her overflowing bag before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. "This is from Truman. He told me not to look at it, so I'm not really sure what it is."

"So?" Cyrus asked, returning his papers to his neatly organized folder. "What's that got to do with me?"

"I'm supposed to deliver it to you, along with an oral message." She began reciting. "'Tell Mr. Walsh I require his immediate assistance with an issue with the stargazer.' He told me it would make sense to you."

Cyrus sat back down and folded his fingers like a teepee. "Indeed it does. I just hope it doesn't mean what I think it means." He grabbed the paper, grimacing as it confirmed that yes, it does mean what he thought it meant. "I'll have to sort this out on my own time. I hope I'm getting overtime for this. Run and tell Truman I'll be running a little late. I've got something I need to work out myself. Understood?" The girl nodded vigorously, making Cyrus smirk. "Excellent. And, if possible, could you run this," he pulled a large bundle of papers from his suitcase, "to Ian from accounting? We're going to need him pretty soon."

The woman nodded again and wordlessly took the paper before scrambling from the room. Cyrus's smile vanished instantly and he spoke rapidly into his phone. "Selena, you there? Get security, we have an intruder in the building. Suspect is mid-height, female, of African descent, and is a little on the husky side. No, I'm not insulting her, I'm just giving a description. And what do you mean African descent is racist, it's true! Well, what would you rather I called her? Fine, suspect is the opposite of Caucasian! Suspect is wearing a full three-piece suit, has her hair in a surprisingly well put together messy ponytail. Suspect is posing as a rookie delivering papers. Suspect has a slight French accent. Not enough to be really noticeable, but enough to be kind of hot." Selena quickly began asking more questions, but Cyrus did his best to avoid telling her how she knew this girl was dangerous.

The girl herself, however, was already making her way to the thirtieth floor, a small smile playing at her lips. "Well, it seems you're a lot smarter than you look, buddy," she muttered, turning off her radio she had connected to Cyrus's phone. "Simon, they're already on to us," she barked into her communicator, getting only static in return. "Simon, do you read?"

There was more hissing as the communicator struggled to reach its partner. Mercifully, it only lasted a second before Simon's voice filled the corridor.

"I read you. We'll just have to move quicker than we already are," Simon groaned, looking at the live feed from the security cameras. "If that's even possible. Sebastian, what are you doing…?" he muttered out loud, watching the smartly dressed boy march after Renée. "Watch out. You're being followed."

Renée gave a small nod at a nearby camera before continuing her walk. She allowed herself a moment to glance back, and there, sure enough, was a young boy carrying a violin case hot on her heels. "Should I be afraid?" she asked Simon, mildly amused that this was the best RetroCytus, a billion dollar company, had to send after an intruder.

"I'm not sure. His file introduces him as Sebastian Taylor. A musical prodigy who just vanished a few years ago. There have been a few sightings of him in public since then, but he's become rather reserved since his parents were murdered in their own home, apparently. I wouldn't be too worried, but don't let your guard down. They've already proved they've got some high quality tech on their side."

"Understood," Renée said, breaking into a sprint. She heard her assailants footsteps grow louder as he did the same. "Plan of action?"

"Continue on, but keep wary. If they only sent one person after you, they've got to be pretty confident in this guy's abilities."

"Roger. I'll meet you at the meeting point. If anything goes wrong, do not use this station. I think we're being monitored," Renée said grimly. She was privately hoping that Simon would do the stupid thing and keep talking to her. Instead, she was met with dead silence.

* * *

The still of the temple was cut short as Kuiper gave a pained grunt as another bandage was applied to his chest. Most people, after the twentieth bandage, would have just decided to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Not Kuiper.

Kuiper was stubborn.

Sly had wisely decided that the wound on his chin was one of the most dangerous on his body, so he figured he might as well just wrap entirely around the boy's complaining mouth. The silence that followed was a well-needed rest from the boy's worrying grunts of pain. Slytunkhamen had merely chuckled at the boy's pained look, deciding that it was better to teach the 'human' (at least, that's what the being had called himself) exactly why you don't break into a temple unprepared.

"That should do it for your chest wounds," Sly sighed, turning his attention to the boy's utterly decimated arm. "This, on the other hand, is an entirely new problem."

"What's that mean?" Kuiper asked, pulling the bandages from the bottom of his face. "I haven't gotten a good look at it yet. Is it really that-oh for the love of all that is mighty, my arm is ground beef," he said, turning his own attention to his wound. For the more sensitive readers, I won't go into detail as to what the arm looked like. Simply put, it doing things no arm should be doing. Kuiper, however, decided to keep it simple: "That can't be healthy."

"That's an understatement," Sly said, giving a small wince. He almost wanted to touch the wound just to see if it would just start falling apart, but he decided that would probably be in poor taste. "I'm pretty sure it's done for."

"If that's the case, we should probably just amputate it," Kuiper said calmly. "I have an idea, but you're probably not going to like it." He told Sly and his ancestor the plan. Neither of them were especially fond of the idea, but both agreed it was for the best. "Keep in mind, I'm probably going to pass out anyways, but in case I don't, I'll need one of you to knock me out, or I could die from shock. Do either of you have a sharp object?"

Slytunkhamen offered his cane, which Kuiper gladly took. He prodded the tip of it, and, deciding that it was plenty sharp, wriggled his now-pulsating arm so it was lying flat on the stone he was sitting on. "Sly, grab that torch, you can use that to cauterize the wound. I'm probably going to start thrashing around, but you're just going to have to hold me down if you must."

He then proceeded to shove the tip of the cane into his forearm, severing the limb clean in two at the point where the wound met living skin. True to his word, he blacked out again after only glancing at his new lack of an arm.

Slytunkhamen raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. "While I agree the amputation was the best route, I would have expected him to have someone else carry it out."

 **Only 2 chapters left for this first part! And, to all the people that managed to get the views here to triple digits, you are all lovely people who deserve the best. I would kiss you if I could. Unless you aren't into that, in which case I would hug you. If that's also too far, I would simply nod at you from a comfortable distance.**

 **In all seriousness, though, you guys are bae, and deserve all the happiness you want.**


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